Mashing up two typically unrelated products is a relatively common occurrence as lazy people lacking the creativity to invent new products get bright ideas that people will want to buy a 2-in-1 product, even if they already own the two individual products. An easy example of this is the increasingly common appearance of music players on cell phones. Why carry around an iPod and a cell phone, these companies ask, when you can have a cell phone that stores significantly less music and offers a much poorer quality of sound?
As silly as I find this, it can’t compare to the product I discovered today, which combines an MP3 player with a TASER GUN. Offered in a stylish leopard print, this gun is (obviously) geared toward women, who are more likely to get jumped while walking down a dark alley in a short skirt while listening to Celine Dion’s greatest hits. I understand what they’re aiming for with this, but haven’t we gotten a little taser-happy in the last year? There are women who have taken to selling taser guns to other women much in the same way they sold tupperware during the 90s. There’s been extensive media coverage over police and security being too trigger happy with taser guns. And now we’re turning tasers into a fashion accessory no women should be without.
What’s next? Maybe there’ll be a product that helps silence friends and relatives who talk too much. It could be a pen on one side and a blow gun on the other, coming with five free tranquilizer darts. Hmm, I wonder if I should work on the patent before someone steals it from me. Gotta run!
Here at Welcome to Oblivion, I like to both entertain and educate you. So, for today’s education, let me reinforce that it is bad to shake babies. If you do so, your face might freeze like this guy’s (and you’ll probably go to jail for murder, but that’s beside the point).
Strangely, this guy really looks like my friend Tom. And as if the fear of having your face frozen wasn’t enough, here’s what happened to Tom after he shook that poor crash test dummy baby to his heart’s content:
So children, what have we learned today? That’s right: Don’t shake babies or you might get eaten.
Even though environmentalists are up-in-arms about how the Japanese have offered the final humiliation to these beluga whales by placing Santa hats on their heads, I still find this picture oddly endearing. The whales certainly seem to be enjoying the attention. The one of the left looks like he’s just gotten the best fin massage ever, resting against the glass with his eyes closed and a gentle smile.
And furthermore, do environmentalists actually think whales have feelings? If so, we may have to offer them some counseling at the least, and more likely some white coats.
Who’s a good little Christmas whale? You are!
Here’s an image of a Christmas tree with 99 stuffed octopi (the plural of octopus dummy) gracing its many branches. Why octopi, you ask? Well, it appears that a crazy grandma out there liked the pattern so much that she wanted to duplicate it en masse. Why 99, you ask? Well, apparently this crazy grandma has 99 GRANDCHILDREN!!
WTF, I ask? I mean, 99 grandchildren? Either your family is 1) possessed of the most super sperm ever, 2) Catholics who have taken the Bible’s reading of sex too seriously (procreate! procreate! yaaay, procreate!), or 3) you are suffering from a significant delusional disorder where you multiply everything by 9 (or 11…or 3 I guess. Damn multiples.).
I can’t even begin to imagine what family gatherings are like. And what about when these 99 grandchildren get married and their guest list automatically goes up by 500 people because of their RIDICULOUSLY LARGE, GARGANTUAN SIZED FAMILY. Poor things.
At least the octopi are cute.
[Thanks, Boing Boing!]
Most people find it very strange, but I have never really liked pets. As my childhood friends would often tell me, I must have lived under a rock, because I had never been to the zoo, or the circus, or had a pet. I’m convinced that it is for this very reason that I have never warmed to animals (that and being chased by ridiculously large dogs twice during my youth).
Regardless of this fact, I can understand the happiness pets bring people. What I don’t understand is people who become obsessed with their pets. For example, dressing up your pets in silly costumes for your entertainment. Your pets are not there solely to make you laugh! If you consider your pet a part of the family, treat them with the same respect you would treat family members (of course, parents also tend to do this to their children, so I guess people just have no shame in general). Look at these poor animals. Did they ask for this to be done to them?
As if this debacle isn’t enough, there’s now a podcast (yes, I said podcast) devoted solely to the soft, soothing sounds of cats purring. Had a bad day? Why don’t you sit back, put your feet up, close your eyes and enjoy “Fatty” purring in your ears for half an hour. This is just people weirdness gone too far. TOO FAR I SAY! TOO FAR!