Thanks to haha.nu for posting this love letter that is obviously being sent to me.

To answer my new boyfriend’s questions:

1) It is never too early to start holding hands, as long as you keep your eyes on my face. And as long as you don’t have a sweat problem. I can’t stand it when people sweat on my hands. That is unforgivable.

2) If by the “honey point” you are referring to the point where I can cover you in honey and leave you hanging from a tree outside on a hot summer day to see what kinds of fun insects you collect, then yes, we’ve reached that point. Otherwise, I’m not sure what you’re talking about.

3) Oh no, you’re not rushing me at all. In fact, I think you’re going a little slow. To make up for that though, you can shower me in gifts such as new cars, diamond jewelry for me to sell on eBay, a new computer and anything else that has a high resell value.

And in reference to your final statement my dear, dear Jonathan, I’d like to ease your concerns about not having a lot of girlfriends. I’ll be the best teacher you ever had, especially if you remember that the safety word is “banana.”

Kids are often bad. They need discipline in their lives. But discipline usually isn’t very fun. Certainly not as fun as say, COLORING! But discipline needs to be instilled in children, and from an early age, if it is to be successful. What a conundrum for parents.

Thanks to a new coloring book, this confusion is history!

The Torture Device Coloring Book offers the best of both worlds: (1) pictures that need coloring and (2) images to scare the living crap out of your children so much that they will never act up again.

The lessons start from the first page which warns children that they “will be punished” if they don’t stay within the lines. Maybe the Republican party should adopt this book to train children to follow their ways. Hmm…

The book has 20 images of various torture devices, each accompanied by a witty little poem. Here’s one of my favorites:

Scratch your back / Scratch your side / Scratch until / You see inside.

So buy it today for the low, low price of just $3.44 (download) or $8.85 (paperback) and start cracking the whip over your children’s heads!

[Thanks Boing Boing!]

Even though environmentalists are up-in-arms about how the Japanese have offered the final humiliation to these beluga whales by placing Santa hats on their heads, I still find this picture oddly endearing. The whales certainly seem to be enjoying the attention. The one of the left looks like he’s just gotten the best fin massage ever, resting against the glass with his eyes closed and a gentle smile.

And furthermore, do environmentalists actually think whales have feelings? If so, we may have to offer them some counseling at the least, and more likely some white coats.