Thanks to haha.nu for posting this love letter that is obviously being sent to me.
To answer my new boyfriend’s questions:
1) It is never too early to start holding hands, as long as you keep your eyes on my face. And as long as you don’t have a sweat problem. I can’t stand it when people sweat on my hands. That is unforgivable.
2) If by the “honey point” you are referring to the point where I can cover you in honey and leave you hanging from a tree outside on a hot summer day to see what kinds of fun insects you collect, then yes, we’ve reached that point. Otherwise, I’m not sure what you’re talking about.
3) Oh no, you’re not rushing me at all. In fact, I think you’re going a little slow. To make up for that though, you can shower me in gifts such as new cars, diamond jewelry for me to sell on eBay, a new computer and anything else that has a high resell value.
And in reference to your final statement my dear, dear Jonathan, I’d like to ease your concerns about not having a lot of girlfriends. I’ll be the best teacher you ever had, especially if you remember that the safety word is “banana.”
In the spirit of such spoof videos as Facebook in Reality, here is a hilarious video about using World of Warcraft to help men better communicate with their wives.
My favorite quote: “Do you know what it’s like to be killed by a level 70 and then spend the next 20 minutes scrambling around looking for your dead body? No you don’t, because you are a level 70 and you’re powerful because you have tits and whatnot.”
Living in DC, the Homeland Security security threat level is always present in some form. People living here don’t seem to have any concern for the fact that we’ve had a heightened threat level for most of our lives, which makes me wonder if we’d even notice if something really bad actually happened.
Anyway, the standard color-coded threat level scale is harsh, mainly primary colors. Red is bad, blue is good. So boring! With spring in the air and cherry blossoms a-blooming, the folks over at Wired decided the scale needed a spring cleaning, and I completely agree. So without further ado, I give you the new and improved Homeland Security Threat Level Scale!
My favorite is definitely the Snorkel Azure, although Rococco is a close second. I’m sending emails to Homeland Security to suggest they post scratch-and-sniff versions on all Metro trains and buses.
Kids are often bad. They need discipline in their lives. But discipline usually isn’t very fun. Certainly not as fun as say, COLORING! But discipline needs to be instilled in children, and from an early age, if it is to be successful. What a conundrum for parents.
Thanks to a new coloring book, this confusion is history!
The Torture Device Coloring Book offers the best of both worlds: (1) pictures that need coloring and (2) images to scare the living crap out of your children so much that they will never act up again.
The lessons start from the first page which warns children that they “will be punished” if they don’t stay within the lines. Maybe the Republican party should adopt this book to train children to follow their ways. Hmm…
The book has 20 images of various torture devices, each accompanied by a witty little poem. Here’s one of my favorites:
Scratch your back / Scratch your side / Scratch until / You see inside.
So buy it today for the low, low price of just $3.44 (download) or $8.85 (paperback) and start cracking the whip over your children’s heads!
Even though environmentalists are up-in-arms about how the Japanese have offered the final humiliation to these beluga whales by placing Santa hats on their heads, I still find this picture oddly endearing. The whales certainly seem to be enjoying the attention. The one of the left looks like he’s just gotten the best fin massage ever, resting against the glass with his eyes closed and a gentle smile.
And furthermore, do environmentalists actually think whales have feelings? If so, we may have to offer them some counseling at the least, and more likely some white coats.
A recent clip from NASA TV shows the camera watching the space shuttle Atlantis chilling out on the launch pad. Then, out nowhere, a beast of a spider climbs onto the shuttle and proceeds to eat it. Or, the spider is merely crawling across the camera lens. Regardless of what actually happened (I’m staying firmly in the shuttle-eating spider camp), the video is pretty funny. This is probably the same spider who decided to bite me FIVE TIMES on my knee earlier this week. Bastard.
Here’s an image of a Christmas tree with 99 stuffed octopi (the plural of octopus dummy) gracing its many branches. Why octopi, you ask? Well, it appears that a crazy grandma out there liked the pattern so much that she wanted to duplicate it en masse. Why 99, you ask? Well, apparently this crazy grandma has 99 GRANDCHILDREN!!
WTF, I ask? I mean, 99 grandchildren? Either your family is 1) possessed of the most super sperm ever, 2) Catholics who have taken the Bible’s reading of sex too seriously (procreate! procreate! yaaay, procreate!), or 3) you are suffering from a significant delusional disorder where you multiply everything by 9 (or 11…or 3 I guess. Damn multiples.).
I can’t even begin to imagine what family gatherings are like. And what about when these 99 grandchildren get married and their guest list automatically goes up by 500 people because of their RIDICULOUSLY LARGE, GARGANTUAN SIZED FAMILY. Poor things.